i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
