my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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