I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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