the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
