two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
