i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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