remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
