At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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