I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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