A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
