you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
