I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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