I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
