If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
