She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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