WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
