Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
