does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You were trust falling into bushes
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
