Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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