'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
