I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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