whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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