if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think your dad took our porno
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
