My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
