I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
