I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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