I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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