I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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