You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
