I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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