I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
