I look better un-naked...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
2020 sucks, I want a refund
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
