When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
