You smell like a Billy Joel song
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
