Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
