seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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