Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
