Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
