your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
