is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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