4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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