I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
