dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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