As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
