haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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