I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
