I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
