i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
