One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
