Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
