dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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